CHAPTER VII

His head hurt. A dull throbbing pain near the back of his skull. It must have been that which had awoken him from whatever dream he had been dreaming. He just lay there for a bit, perhaps hoping it would go away. It didn't , of course, just continued to throb with no sign of subsiding. He hadn't really expected it to. He'd felt it many times before and he knew from experience he was stuck with it for at least the rest of the day.

When you drink a lot, you tend to build up a tolerance, and Reno had to admit he fell into that group. It took quite a bit of alcohol to get him drunk, and even more for him to regret it in the morning. He must have had quite a night. Too bad he couldn't seem to recall any of it.

He opened his eyes, or tried to. For a moment they remained immobile, until he used enough force to break the crust that was holding them together and his lids pulled opened. He immediately regretted it as the light from a nearby window struck them, feeling like it was using a scalpel to get in. He blinked and his eyes would have teared up if they weren't as dry as dust, which made them almost, but not quite, as moistureless as his mouth.

"Gagh," he tried to say, but all that came out was a strange croaking sound.

He pulled himself up to a sitting position, realizing first of all that he was lying in bed. The second thing that he noticed was that it definitely was not his bed, and the third thing, that he was quite naked.

He rubbed his eyes, but that didn't seem to help. He needed to wet them, but even his tongue was dry. He looked around. The room was totally unfamiliar. A dresser lay opposite the bed, a large mirror balanced on top. A lamp stood on an end table beside the bed. The window was half concealed by brightly flowered curtains. The blanket that had slid down to his waist when he sat up was light blue and covered with little white chocobos. The blonde next to him lay on her stomach, one arm underneath his pillow, the other thrown on her own pillow above her head.

Blonde?

Her hair was long, shoulder length. It had been permed, but some of the threads were hanging loose now. Her mouth was half open and she was breathing softly. The fingernails on the hand above her head were painted with red and white stripes.

It was beginning to come back to him now. He'd met her at a bar last night. He remembered talking about... something. He leaned over and looked at her more closely. It was the same girl right?

Funny, she'd looked a lot more attractive last night.

He slipped out of bed, hoping she wouldn't wake. He had no idea who she was. He was lucky he remembered anything at all that happened last night, much less the name of some girl he picked up, but he knew they always got insulted if you didn't remember.

Besides, he was in no mood for small talk with her. He just wanted to get out of here as fast as he could. With his luck, she'd want him to stay for breakfast or something.

He shuddered at the thought. He wasn't in the mood to talk, and especially not to some bimbo he'd picked up.

He gathered up his clothes, which lay crumpled on the floor around the bed, then dressed as quickly as he could, looking over at the girl every few seconds. He jumped when she muttered something and turned over on her side, but she did not wake.

When he was done he slipped out of the room. He tongue felt like parchment in his mouth, and his eyes still ached from being so dry. He needed some water, even if it meant delaying his departure. He walked into the kitchen. He turned on the faucet. He cupped his hands beneath the stream of water and splashed it on his face. Ahh, that felt much better. He bent his head down and drank from the flow of water. There weren't any glasses in sight, and he didn't want to waste time tooling around looking for one. He just wanted to get the hell out of here before she woke up.

He was successful in that endevour, walking out onto the street a few moments later. The chill struck him and made his shiver. He wore a long black coat that came down to his knees, but it was a bit thin and let the cold in more than he would have wanted. Still, the cold didn't bother him all that much, in fact, it woke him up.

He looked around for a minute, not sure where he was. He didn't recall the trip here at all last night, though he had obviously taken it. He did recall the bar he had been at, or one of them anyway. It hadn't been far from his place so he figured he couldn't be too far from familiar territory. He walked down the end of the block. He recognized the cross street. His apartment wasn't too far away, just south of him.

He paused for a minute. He really should go back to his apartment and get cleaned up, but for some reason he wasn't in the mood. He didn't like spending time in his apartment. The place was a dump, which was the main reason whenever he met a girl, he always managed to talk her into going to her place. It always depressed him to be there, but, unfortunately, he couldn't afford anything decent on his salary. Besides he was hungry, and there was no food in his refrigerator at home.

He had been poor, after he had left home, when he had lived on the streets in Midgar, but after he had become a Turk he thought that was all behind him. He hadn't been rich, but Shina paid well, and he had led a luxurious lifestyle. If you never had anything in your life, it didn't bother you as much because you didn't know what you were missing. To have gil and then lose it, to get a taste of that life, well, that just made it twice as bad when you lost it all, but there was no sense dwelling on it. There wasn't anything he could do about it at the moment and it would just depress him more.

He thought about heading over to Tifa's place. She had seemed really upset by that break in, which surprised him, frankly. After all she had gone through, he thought she would be stronger than that. She didn't live in a very good section of Junon. She must have seen or heard of other break ins in the area. Had she thought she was immune? Not that he cared if she was upset, of course. Still, it played to his hand. The guy had probably done him a favor. It had given him an opportunity to play 'hero' in her eyes and he could tell it had had an effect. She had thanked him, after all.

It wouldn't surprise him at all if someone broke into his place, of course, they've find damn little of value.

He looked down at his watch. It was after twelve thirty. Today was the day Rude was coming back and he was supposed to meet him at two. He was on the other side of town from Tifa's apartment and it would take him almost an hour to walk there. A taxi would be quicker but that cost gil and he wasn't exactly loaded at the moment. He didn't have time to go over there now. He could always see her later. Annoying her was bound to cheer him up.

He stopped at a newsstand and picked up a paper and a candy bar, then he walked west until he reached the ocean. He was right near the airport now. There was no beach here, just a long stone seawall with the ocean waves splashing against it far below him. He sat down on the seawall , his legs dangling over the side, and opened the paper while eating his candy bar. Nothing like a good healthy breakfast to start off the day.

He looked the front page of the paper over. Same old shit. An investigation of a CEO of Telecorp, a large communications company in Rocket Town, accused of corruption and stock market manipulation. Reno snorted. He'd heard Sci-Co had tried a hostile takeover of that company. Why didn't it surprise him that the CEO of Telecorp had been the one that had sunk the deal? A restaurant blown up and seventeen people killed in a bombing in Gongaga, brought to you by a group of friendly people who called themselves the Greater Gongaga Freedom Brigade, or so their phone call claimed. Apparently they were unhappy with the pollution control polices of the city with regard to Amalgamated Power, the main electric company of Gongaga which, if memory served him right, had just recently been taken over by none other than Sci-Co. Assholes. What the hell were they doing blowing up a restaurant if they were mad at a power company? That was sure to draw them a lot of sympathy. An outbreak of Meteor Fever in Mideel, where it hadn't been seen before. An entire hospital had to be quarenteened because of it. Some Professor saying this could be the greatest crisis facing humanity in centuries and lamenting the fact that Sci-Co, the largest company on the planet, didn't seem to be doing much about it. Maybe they would, Reno thought, if there was some profit in it, or if their own kids came down with it.

Disgusted he turned to the funnies, the only area of the paper with any merit. When he was done with them, and his candy bar, he stood up again. He looked down at the ocean below him. The seawall was steep, with perhaps a good ten meter drop to the water below. The waves moved restlessly against the stone wall. He could see it was littered with debris that people had thrown off the wall. Cups, papers, even an old tire. He dropped the paper, watching it flutter down, blown this way and that by a gusting wind, until it settled in the water right next to what looked like an old bleach container. Without a second thought, he turned and walked away, headed toward his meeting with Rude.

The Beer Emporium was a small bar that stood on an nondescript street corner in the working class section on the west side of Junon. It was close to the ocean, but not close enough that you could actually see it. The fact was the only thing you could actually see through the front window of the bar was a line of shops across the street and of course, the street itself. Not the most picturesque of sights , but most people who frequented the bar didn't come for the view.

The bar itself was small. The long counter, a line of six stools in front of it, a few tables and a small pool table, obviously much smaller than regulation size, left the place feeling cramped. The walls were covered with dark wood paneling, with hand painted pictures of landscapes in washed out colors alternating with the windows. The floor was of dark richly creviced wood, and creaked when someone walked on it. A quick glance around told Reno there were only a few customers adorning the furniture. Not surprising, considering it was only early afternoon.

He saw Rude sitting in his usual place, on a barstool at the very end of the bar. He immediately walked over and sat down beside his friend, who glanced at him to acknowledge his presence, but didn't speak. A glass of beer stood on the counter in front of Rude, as well as a bowl of onion rings.

"I see you started without me," Reno said.

Rude leisurely finished the onion ring he was consuming before he answered.

"You're late."

Reno glances at his watch. He had said they meet at two o'clock, it was now two twenty five.

"You're picky," he said.

Rude smirked and washed down the last of the onion ring with his beer. The bartender came over and Reno ordered a beer of his own, an import from Icicle Inn. The Beer Emporium had over forty types of beer from all over the planet. Some of them even Reno had never heard of.

"So how was the trip?," Reno asked after a cold one had been placed down on the counter in front of him.

"Well, there's good news and bad news," Rude replied.

"What's the bad news?" Reno inquired. Always take the bad news first.

"He's a pimp."

A friend of a friend had told them about a possible job opening in Costa del Sol. It seemed a guy there was into some shady business and needed some muscle. He was willing to pay good money and wasn't too picky about who did the job, and it was also rumored he didn't give a damn about what happened with Shinra. Other than that, and the fact that he was offering pretty good gil, they hadn't gotten much in the way of details, so Rude had gone to check it out.

"A pimp eh?" he said, a sour look on his face. "I should have known."

Reno took a large swig from his beer and stared at the far wall.

"Don't you want to hear the good news?" Rude said after a moment.

"Not really," Reno replied.

"They were right about the gil," Rude when on in spite of his friends words. "The guys ready to pay top dollar. It would be almost three times what I'm making here, and you too."

Reno shrugged, obviously not impressed.

Rude picked up his glass but did not drink, instead just seemed to be inspecting it carefully.

"Reno, I know how you feel but maybe you should think about it," he said finally. "We wouldn't have to take the job permanently, just long enough to get ourselves back on our feet."

Reno turned to look at him, frowning.

"I don't have to think about it. We've discussed this before. You know how I feel about it and I thought you did to. Running around trying to keep some poor girls who are scared shitless in line, or beating the hell out of them if they don't? That's not a job for a man, that's a job for a goddam coward!"

Reno drained his glass, then banged it down on the counter for emphasis. He might not have made much of an impression on Rude but it caught the bartenders eye. The man came over and refilled his drink.

"It's not necessarily like that," Rude said after the bartender retreated. "He's having trouble with some competition. He needs someone to lean on them. It doesn't have anything to do with the girls."

"Maybe, maybe not," Reno replied. "Maybe that's what he told you but that doesn't mean that's the truth. C'mon man, you know the score. A guy like that doesn't pay that kind of money just to lean on someone else. Keeping the women in line is part of the deal, even if it isn't said flat out. You know that as well as I do."

Rude sat back on the stool, looking vexed.

"You know we're not going to get an offer like that anywhere else," he said.

"So what?" Reno replied caustically.

Rude tapped his glass slowly on the counter, a sure sign that he had more to say.

"I've been working as a bouncer for almost four years now," Rude stated. "I have to admit I'm getting tired of it."

Reno just looked at him for a long moment. Rude had never complained about his job before, even though Reno knew he hated it, just like he hated his own job.

"So what are you saying?" he said slowly.

Rude stopped tapping his glass and instead lifted it up and drained it.

"We're murderers man, that's about as low on the moral scale as you can get," he said.

"Yeah, maybe we were murderers, but we didn't just kill anybody. It was only people who deserved it."

"Everyone in Sector Seven deserved it?"

Reno gave him a sharp look.

"You too?"

"Me too, what do you mean?"

"Someone else told me the same thing, or very similar," Reno replied.

"Who?"

Reno hesitated. He suspected that Rude would be very interested in hearing about his little encounter with Tifa, but for some reason he didn't feel anxious to mention it at the moment. He wasn't sure why.

"Nobody important. So what are you trying to tell me? You want to take the job?"

"I just want you to think about it," Rude replied. He paused and looked Reno over for a minute. "You know, you look like shit."

"Thanks. Just so you know, you're not exactly Mr. Fashion Statement yourself."

"No, I mean it," Rude said. "You look like you haven't been taking care of yourself."

Reno stared at his friend.

"What, are you my fucking mother now? Since when do you give a damn about how I look? In case you hadn't noticed before, I've was never all that tidy to begin with."

"Yeah, you've been untidy, but you've never been a mess," Rude replied. "Just look at yourself. Life is an attitude. You're the one who told me that, remember? What kind of attitude do you have now?"

"Just what the hell are you trying to say?"

Rude hesitated a moment before continuing.

"I'm trying to say you've given up," he said bluntly. "What's your plan for the future? You don't have one, do you? Shinra's gone man, get used to it, cause that's not gonna change. Maybe it's time you started looking ahead to the future instead of wallowing in the past. You're thirty years old man, you're not dead yet."

Reno glared at Rude. His friend had never spoken like this before, and he had to admit he really didn't like it much.

"Is that what you think I'm doing, wallowing in the past?"

"I don't know what else to think. You work down at the docks man. C'mon, I know how much you hate it there. You can do better than that, we both can. Ever heard the expression; beggars can't be choosey?"

"Ever heard the expression; screw you?" Reno retorted angrily. He'd had enough of this conversation. "I don't give a damn how much he pays, I ain't working for no pimp! I don't know what your problem is but I'm sick and tired of hearing about it. I'm outta here."

He got up and walked over to the door, exiting the bar without looking back. Rude sat in his chair, unmoving. The bartender, hearing the outburst, looked over at him with a questioning glance. Rude just shrugged, then held up his glass for a refill.


Tifa didn't hate housework, but it could be tedious at times. Most days it didn't bother her, but sometimes you just weren't in the mood to do something, and today happened to be a day she wasn't in the mood to do housework. This wasn't the first time it had happened. There had been other days when she hadn't wanted to. It was a monotonous job and often seemed rather pointless, since anything she cleaned or organized today was very likely to be dirty and disorganized once again tomorrow. Housework, probably more than anything in her life, often seemed like an exercise in futility. Unfortunately, the fact that she wasn't in the mood, or that it seemed pointless at times, didn't change the fact that it needed to be done.

She had been going through her things for most of the morning, checking to see if anything else besides the picture that she had noticed yesterday was missing. She figured as long as she was doing that, she could clean as she went. It made sense, but sometimes her body didn't want to be sensible. It was almost noon and she hadn't even finished with her bedroom yet. Her mind just wasn't into it, and as a result every little thing became a distraction. It was cold outside once again, maybe colder than ever. There had been frost on her window this morning. She had spent an inordinate amount of time just looking at it, and the pattern it made on her windowpane. When she cleaned out the closet she had spent an hour just thumbing through her clothes, trying to think up new ways to combine this with that. She was just dilly dallying, and she knew it, but she wasn't anxious to do the cleaning and was therefore more than willing to let her mind wander off course at even the slightest provocation

She was cleaning out her dresser drawers now, or at least, that was what she was supposed to be doing. Instead she had mostly been rearranging her socks and daydreaming. She kept wondering who it was that had been in her apartment, if he had ever been there before, and if he would try to come back again.

She didn't really want to think about that, but it was a difficult thing to banish from her mind, especially when there really wasn't much else to occupy it. She lifted up another pair of socks, and saw the light brown cover of a book beneath. She stopped, just looking at it for a long time. She recognized it immediately as her old diary. She had know it was still around here somewhere, but she had forgotten just quite where. She hadn't looked at it in years...

Hesitantly her hands reached out and lifted up the book. It was a regular binder, something someone might use as a business ledger, and not one of those little books with the tiny locks on them that even a five year old could open.

She'd had one of those, a long time ago, when she had lived in Nibelheim. She'd lost that one when Sephiroth had come and destroyed the town, when she'd lost everything else she had.

The cover was plain brown and unadorned. Hide in plain sight, that's what she always thought. Besides, she couldn't think of one person who would have the slightest interest in what was in there anyway.

She walked over to her bed and sat down, placing the book on the comforter in front of her. She hadn't kept a diary again for a long time, after she had gone to Midgar, or rather after Zangan had brought her there. She hadn't wanted to remember those years, those early years in Midgar. It had been too traumatic. She didn't think she would ever want to remember that. No, she hadn't started keeping a diary again until...

...until the day she found Cloud at the Midgar railroad station.

Renewed hope. She supposed that's what had done it. Silly really, especially considering the events that had transpired afterwards, but she had been young and foolish. Well, perhaps not that young, but foolish, certainly.

It was all there, their long journey, their fight against first Shinra and then Sephiroth, the summoning of meteor, and their final victory, as best she could write it. She was no writer. She knew Reeve had written a book about it. It had been published just last year. The Heartbeat of the Planet, it was called. She had seen it in the stores, had almost stopped to pick up a copy once. Almost, but not quite. She didn't want to dwell on the past. She didn't want to be reminded of what happened back then.

But if that really were true, then why was she sitting here with her diary right in front of her? Why hadn't she just thrown it away? She had been tempted to, more than once, but she had never done it. If that were true, why were her hands, almost of their own volition, even now pulling back the cover and parting the pages of the book? It wasn't like she didn't know what was written there. She had already reread it a thousand times. It wasn't like if she read it this time the story would somehow magically change. It was written in there in indelible ink, just as it was etched indelibly in her mind.

The book fell open, almost of it's own accord. She looked down and the first thing she saw was the date. June twenty seventh. It had opened to that date, probably because when she had reread the book, that was the date she most often returned to. Again she didn't know why, why she had kept rereading it for so many years before she had at last forgotten about it. The book had been opened to this page so many times, if she tossed it across the room, it would probably land opened to that very page.

June 27

Aeris has been gone exactly six months today. I can't believe its been that long already. Even though I never really got to know her that well, I miss her. I met Cloud and we went out and picked some wildflowers, then went down to the ocean and tossed them in, sort of as a tribute, you know? He's been gone so often, finding whatever work he can. I don't think he knows what to do with himself now that Shinra is gone. Cloud's always been a wanderer. I've hardly seen him in all this time. I almost thought I wasn't going to see him today, I thought he might want to be alone, but he came back to Kalm a few days ago and surprised me by asking me what I would be doing today, and if I wanted to spend it with him. He would never admit it, but I think he wanted company. I was surprised, but happy too.

We spent the whole day together. It was so much fun! Well, it wasn't fun fun. We didn't do anything except talk really. He told me so much, so much about himself, what he was feeling, how he missed Aeris but knew that what she had done was for the best. A lot of things he never told me before. I was really surprised that he opened up to me like that. He's never done anything like that before. He told me he was going to try to find a job around town so he wouldn't be away so much. I don't know what's gotten into him really, but I'm not complaining. He even held my hand! While we walked along the shore. It was so romantic!

She flipped ahead a few more pages, like an old routine that had been practiced over and over.

June 30

Ohmgod! I don't BELIEVE what happened today! Cloud came by this morning and asked me if I wanted to go on a picnic. Of course I said yes. So we packed a lunch and headed out. Cloud took me to this beautiful wooded area overlooking the water on the bluffs. The view was absolutely gorgeous. I asked him how he had found it and he told me he had just chanced upon it while wandering around and thought I would like it. We sat down on the blanket and had lunch and talked. We talked for hours! I don't even remember most of what we talked about. Stupid stuff, really, but I didn't care. It just felt good being there with him, it didn't matter what we talked about. After a while he started saying all these nice things about me, about how he missed me, and how much he thought about me when he was away. I was really surprised. I told him I missed him too. He said he had wanted to say all this to me for a long time but he just didn't know how to put it into words. He told me he always thought of me as something more than just a friend, that I was someone special. Imagine that? Me, special! While he was talking to me he was just looking at me with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. They just make me melt. I told him I thought he was special too. Well, he was going on about how much he cared about me and opening up about all these things and it made me want to open up to him too. So I did. I told him I loved him! I still can't believe it. I don't know what came over me. Here we were all alone in this romantic spot and from the way he was talking to me, I don't know, it just seemed like if I didn't tell him then I never would. I was so embarrassed, and so afraid of how he might react. I thought I might scare him away. But I didn't. Instead, he leaned over and kissed me! Oh, I couldn't believe it! It was soooooo nice. I didn't want it to EVER end! It gets better though. We kissed for a long time. And he held me in his arms, and well, one thing led to another and... we did it. We made love! I still can't believe it! Right there in the middle of the woods! I was afraid someone might come along at first, but after a while I didn't think about that anymore. It was hours ago and yet my heart is still pounding in my chest as if it will burst. This is the best day ever ever ever!!!

Tifa shook her head. She couldn't believe she was twenty years old when she wrote that. She sounded like a twelve year old. She flipped a few more pages ahead, the wan smile that had appeared on her face at the memories quickly fading from her lips.

July 8

I don't understand. Cloud has hardly spoken to me all week. I think he's deliberately avoiding me. He hasn't said two words to me since the day of the picnic and I have no idea why. I don't know what to do. I was so happy and now I don't know what to think. Did I do something wrong? Was I a bad lover? I was so happy the other day and now... I don't know. I feel crushed. I had all these hopes and dreams and I finally thought they were going to be fulfilled. I should have known better. The thing is, I could SEE the love in his eyes that day. Yet now he treats me as if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, as if I'm some kind of plague. Didn't what we did mean ANYTHING to him?

Why am I doing this, she thought. Why am I torturing myself like this. She wanted to toss the book aside, but her hands didn't seem to want to listen to what her brain was telling them, instead they turned the pages.

July 12

I talked to Cloud today. I couldn't take being ignored anymore. I asked him what was going on and why he was treating me this way. At first he tried to blow it off but I wouldn't let him change the subject. I don't think he knew what to say. He told me he had done a lot of thinking since the day of the picnic. He told me he was confused, that he didn't know what he wanted, that it might have been a mistake. A mistake! Something I've wished for for such a long time and he calls it a mistake? How could he say that? How could he feel that way? I don't understand him at all! I must have done something wrong. It's the only explanation even though he tells me that's not true. I didn't know what to say to him. I just felt like I wanted to die, I still do. He says he's thinking about leaving, that he heard about some job over at Fort Condor. This after he told me he didn't want to leave anymore, that he wanted to stay with me. I can't believe it. I was so happy and now it's like everything I ever wanted has come crashing down on me. I begged him not to go. After what happened I don't think I can bear seeing him leave me. It's not fair. It's SO not fair. He acted like he didn't even want to be near me. He got mad and eventually walked out. I've been crying ever since. I don't know what else to do. Why is he doing this? What's wrong with me?

She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to read anymore. It didn't matter now though. There wasn't much left to the tale.

July 13

He's gone

There was nothing else on the page, only those two words and the page itself warped by her tearstains. The rest of the book was blank, as if her life had ended that day.

She lifted her head and realized there were fresh tears in her eyes. She shook her head hastily, then tried to wipe them away. What the hell was the matter with her? It had been so long ago. It was over and done with years ago. Surely she should be over this by now.

And yet, it still almost seemed like yesterday to her. Why did it have to hurt so much after all this time?

She never found out what went wrong. He'd just left that day. He hadn't said a word to her. She didn't know, maybe he'd just used her. Maybe he had been lonely, maybe he'd missed Aeris and she had just been a substitute, just someone who was available and who wouldn't say no. Maybe he hadn't felt anything for her at all.

Or maybe he'd pitied her. She was pretty sure he knew how she felt about him, even before she had said anything. Maybe he thought that was what she wanted, even if he hadn't really cared for her himself. But that wasn't what she wanted. She didn't want just a little bit of him, she wanted the whole thing. It wasn't fair of him to finally give her so much hope only to crush it so quickly.

She didn't know. She didn't know what he had thought. She hadn't gotten the opportunity to ask. He's just walked out of her life and left her with nothing. She'd never seen him again.

"Mommy, whats s'matter?"

She looked up and saw Karisa looking at her. She hadn't even heard the child come in. She wiped away the tears again, but it was obvious her daughter had already seen them.

"It's nothing sweetheart. Mommie's just a little sad, that's all. Why don't you come here and..."

She stopped as Karisa turned and ran out of the room. She sat there puzzled for a moment until the young girl returned holding her little stuffed teddy bear. She ran over and held it out for her mother.

For some reason, this just made Tifa cry harder. She reached out and swept Karisa into her arms, hugging her as tightly as she could.

It wasn't true. Cloud hadn't left her with nothing. A week after he left, she found out she was pregnant. Without knowing it, he had given her the greatest gift he possibly could. If it hadn't been for Cloud, Karisa wouldn't be here with her, and then she really would be alone.

"Thank you honey," she managed to say eventually, smiling in spite of her tears. "I love you. I love you more than anything in the whole world."