Narrator: All is calm in Kalm
Cloud: (looking around) Who said that?
Frank: (appears beside Cloud) It's me, Frank
Cloud: Frank who?
Frank: The author, you idiot!
Cloud: Geez, you don't have to be snippy about it
Frank: All is calm in Kalm
Cloud: You said that.
Frank: Would you stop interrupting! (ahem) All is calm in Kalm. (glares at Cloud, who keeps his mouth shut)
Frank: A new day dawns in front of our intrepid heros. Little do they know that their peace is about to be shattered.
Cloud: We know now.
Frank: Would you shut up for a minute! I'm trying to set the scene.
Cloud: It that what you call it? I thought you were trying to bore us to death
Tifa: (sees Frank staring at Cloud, red faced) Cloud, would you just be quiet and listen
Cloud: Well I would if he just got to the point
Aeris: Tifa's right. Frank's getting mad
Cloud: Oooh. I'm scared. What's he going to do, turn me into a newt?
(Cloud transforms into a newt)
Frank: He asked for it
Frank: It's okay, he'll get better. Now where was I? Oh yes. But all is not as calm as it seems in Kalm. In fact, our heros are about to face the greatest danger they have ever faced in their lives!
Yuffie: *sigh* What is it THIS time?
Frank: Yes. Very bad.
Yuffie: How bad?
Frank: Very very bad.
Yuffie: Such as...
Frank: Well, umm...actually, I'm not really quite sure yet
Frank: I haven't decided yet
Yuffie: What do you mean you haven't decided? How can you say it's the greatest danger we've ever faced when you don't even know what it is yet?
Frank: I just said that for dramatic effect. It isn't fleshed out yet. Give me a little time, willya? I've got a lot to do.
Yuffie: Geez, I'm beginning to think Cloud was right.
Aeris: So what do you want us to do?
Frank: I suggest you get ready for battle. I'll go try to think up some nasty enemies.
Yuffie: Don't do us any favors.
Aeris: And can you make sure we're done by seven? I'm getting my hair done.
Sephiroth: Oh really? I can't wait to see how it looks.
Aeris: (glares at Sephiroth)
Cid: Hey Seph, what are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be hanging out with the bad guys?
Sephiroth: You mean like Hojo and Rufus? No thanks. They don't have any cute chicks on their side (smiles at Aeris)
Aeris: (makes gagging noises)
Yuffie: They've got Scarlet
Sephiroth: I rest my case. (Continues to look at Aeris) You know, maybe after your hair thing you'd like to go out to dinner?
Aeris: Sorry, I'd got other things I'd rather do, like roll down a hill wrapped in barbwire
Sephiroth: I'm hurt. Don't take things so personally. I always thought you were cute.
Aeris: Oh really? Is that why you killed me?
Sephiroth: Sheesh, you kill someone and all you get is attitude. I'm just not appreciated around here.
Aeris: Gee, what gave it away?
Sephiroth: It's not just anyone who can be a super villain you know. You can't replace me with any old idiot off the street.
Aeris: You're right. It would take at least two idiots to replace you.
Sephiroth: Grrrr. Now I remember why I killed you in the first place!
Tifa: Oh cut it out you two. We've got more important things to worry about at the moment.
Frank: All right, guess I'll be off to go plot now
Tifa: Uhh, Frank?
Tifa: (points at the newt)
Frank Oh, right
(Cloud turns back into himself)
Cloud: (angrily) Hey, is that any way to treat the star of the game?
Frank: Oh, quit your complaining. I've done plenty of nice things for you. I let you marry Tifa, didn't I?
Aeris: (fists hands on hips) Oh yes, and I'd like a word with you about that, if you don't mind
Frank: Ulp! Sorry gotta run. Important meeting!
Tifa: Let's get ready then. I'll get my gloves.
Aeris: I'll get the Princess Guard.
Barret: I'll load up my gun.
Cid: My spear is ready
Yuffie: I'll gather all my materia
Cloud: I'll go mousse my hair
Tifa: Mousse your hair? Now?
Cloud: Of course. I have to look good while I'm killing...whatever it is I'm going to be killing. There my be a photo op.
Cloud: It'll just take me a minute. I have to maintain my 'look'.
Cid: You know, most people spend time on their hair with the express purpose of trying to avoid that particular 'look'.
Cloud: Oh shuddap.
(Cloud rummages around in the bathroom for a few minutes, then comes back out)
Cloud: Hey, where'd the mousse go?
Cloud: There's no mousse in the bathroom cabinet. Who took it?
(They all look at one another)
Tifa: Are you sure you didn't use it all yourself.
Cloud: Tifa, there were FOUR bottles.
Tifa: Well, I didn't use it.
Cloud: Well, someone did! (Cloud glares around the room)
Red: Cloud, might I point out that no one but you uses mousse?
Cloud: I'm telling you it wasn't me! There were four bottles and they're gone. Someone must have taken them.
Red: To what purpose?
Cloud: Isn't it obvious? Someone didn't want me to look good in our fight!
Cid: (sarcastically) Yeah, that's gotta be it.
Tifa: Cloud, it's no big deal. We'll just find it later
Cloud: Are you insane? I can't go out looking like this!
Tifa: There's nothing wrong with the way you look. Besides, we're going to fight monsters, not to a fashion show!
Cloud: It doesn't matter! If I don't mousse my hair, I'm not going!
Sephiroth: Maybe it's a plot.
Sephiroth: Maybe it's a plot by whoever it is that Frank has decided is our enemy. Maybe they stole the mousse because they know you won't fight without it.
Cloud: (shouts) Frank, is that true?
Yuffie: This whole thing is ridiculous. We've got to save the world from some horrible monsters here. Isn't that a little more important?
Red: Hard as it may be to believe, I'm afraid for once I agree with Yuffie.
Cloud: I don't care what anyone says, I'm not going out without my mousse.
Yuffie: Don't be a dork!
Cid: Hey Frank, why don't you just make some mousse appear for him?
Frank: Sorry, can't do that.
Cid: Why not? You're the author right? You can do whatever you want.
Frank: (points) See the title?
Frank: The Great Mousse Hunt
Cid: Your point?
Frank: My point is, if I gave him mousse, there wouldn't be much of a HUNT, now would there?
Cid: I guess you're right
Cloud: Damn. So I take it that means we have to find some on our own.
Frank: Looks that way.
Yuffie: Do we have time for this?
Red: I don't see that we have much choice.
Aeris: Well, maybe if we hurry we can find some mousse before the monsters get here
Cloud: All right, let's go then
Yuffie: What do you mean, let's go?
Cloud: Just what I said. You're all going to help me find some mousse, right?
Yuffie: Help you? Why should we help you? Go find it yourself.
Cloud: It's the Christmas season, it might be hard to find. It'll be a lot quicker if we all look
Yuffie: That's your problem
Aeris: C'mon Yuffie, we might need Cloud's help with these monsters
Tifa: Yeah, and if you're nice and help, Santa might bring you more materia for Christmas
Yuffie: Hmmm. Oh all right
Cloud: Okay then. I'm going down to the mall
Aeris: I'll come with you, I've got some shopping to do
Tifa: Me too
Sephy: (smiling at Aeris again) I'll come with you too
Aeris: Oh joy
Cid: Vincent and I will go to the grocery store
Red: Barret, Cait and I will go to the hair salon
(They walk out)
Yuffie: I'll go look in the woods
Aeris: The woods?
Tifa: C'mon, let's go already
AT THE HAIR SALON
Cait: Well, here we are.
Hojo: Here you are indeed
Barret: Hojo? What are you doing here?
Hojo: Why, nothing at all. I'm merely trying to make a living. Would you be interested in our line of fine hair care products? (Holds up a bottle of hairspray)
Red: Umm, why is it glowing?
Hojo: Well, there are a few special additives
Barret: Additives? Like what?
Hojo: Oh, this and that. Believe me, they're perfectly safe. I use them myself all the time.
Red: Is that why you've got tentacles sticking out of your back?
Hojo: Those? No, of course not! (smacks at tentacles until they withdraw from sight) Don't pay them any mind.
Cait: Got any mousse?
Hojo: We certainly do.
Red: Umm, I'm not sure we want to use a product with any of Hojo's additives.
Hojo: I told you, it's perfectly safe!
Red: (looks at one of the customers) Has he used them?
Hojo: Of course, and as you can see, he's perfectly normal
Red: It's perfectly normal to have seven eyes?
Hojo: He doesn't have seven eyes!
Red: You're right, he has eight. I almost missed that one on his elbow.
Hojo: You're exaggerating. What about the woman next to him? There's nothing wrong with her.
Red: She has an extra finger
Hojo: Well, that's not so bad.
Red: Sticking out of her forehead?
Hojo: So they're all a little unusual. That's a good thing though. I'm improving them.
Red: Having eight eyes is an improvement?
Hojo: No one can sneak up on him.
Cait: (bends down, picks something up off the floor and holds it out of Hojo) Your thumb fell off
Hojo: (grabs thumb and quickly shoves it in a drawer) Oops. Hee, that's just a little side effect. I'm slowly losing all my useless parts. Why just the other day in the shower and I looked down and...
Barret: (quickly interrupting) Why don't we just leave that on a need to know basis.
Hojo: Very well. The point is, I'm evolving into a higher life form.
Red: You seem to have a strange idea of a 'higher life form'.
Hojo: Do you want the mousse or not?
Red: I think not
Hojo: C'mon, I'll give you a special price!
Red: No thank you. C'mon let's get out of here.
(They walk out the door. As soon as they reach the street Barret stops suddenly and looks around wildly)
Red: What's wrong with you?
Barret: (whispering) I have to tell you a secret
Red: And what might that be?
Barret: I see things
Red: Things? What sort of things?
Barret: I see...
Barret: I see white people
Red: Great (sighs) Let's get out of here.
AT THE GROCERY STORE
Vincent: Which aisle is the mousse in?
Cid: How should I know? I guess we'll have to ask. There's a stockboy.
(They walk over to the stockboy)
Cid: Do you know...Reno?
Reno: Well, if it isn't Captain Clod and Vampire Boy
Vincent: I'm not a vampire!
Cid: You work here? Aren't you too old to be a stockboy?
Reno: Aren't you too stupid to be a pilot?
Cid: Very funny
Vincent: Where's the mousse?
Cid: Mousse. We need to get some mousse.
Reno: We're all out
Cid: All out?
Reno: Yup. Someone came in this morning and bought our entire stock.
Reno: How the hell should I know?
Lady with shopping cart: Excuse me, but do you have wet nuts?
Reno: Not last time I checked.
Vincent: Gee, they sure ask some personal questions, don't they?
Cid: Anyway, are you sure there's no mousse in the back room?
Reno: Nope. But I know where you may be able to get some
Cid: Oh really. Where?
Reno: I think Commander Pompadour has some
Cid: Commander Pompadour?
Reno: Yeah, but he won't just give it to you.
Cid: Oh, why not?
Reno: Cause he doesn't just give the stuff away, silly.
Vincent: How about we just beat the crap out of him until he gives it to us?
Reno: You don't have to do that. You can trade him.
Cid: Trade? Trade what?
Reno: It's very simple. He's looking for the Makeup of Excess. You can steal that from the evil Sorceress Tammyfay.
Reno: Uh huh. But in order to get into her castle, you have to pass the Pigskin Gang. You can only do that if you get the Cloak of Parity, which is in the possession of the mad Dr. Gorebush. Are you taking notes? He'll give it to you, but first you have to give him the Chad of Clarity. You can get that from the haystack of chads in Corel. But there's a guard there. He'll let you through, however, if you give him the Shampoo of Oily Hair.
Cid: And where are we supposed to get that?
Reno: Why, aisle three, of course
Cid: All right then
Vincent: You made that all up, didn't you?
Cid: Dammit! Is there any mousse here or not!
Reno: I don't know. Hey Rude!
(Rude appears at the end of the aisle)
Reno: Is there any mousse in the back room?
Cid: How do you know? He didn't say anything!
Reno: After all this time, I can tell what he's thinking just by looking in his eyes
Cid: (fuming) He's...wearing...sunglasses
Reno: Well, then by the slant of his soft supple shoulders
Vincent: Let's not go there
Cid: (shakes his head) C'mon, let's get out of here.
AT THE MALL
Tifa: Mousse is Us?
Cloud: Yeah, they have the best stuff!
Rufus: May I help you?
Cloud: You work here?
Rufus: Well, I have to do something now that you guys destroyed my company
Aeris: Hey, how come you're not dead?
Rufus: Umm...did you ever hear of ducking?
Cloud: Anyway, I need some mousse
Rufus: Sorry, we're all out
Cloud: What do you mean, all out? I was in here yesterday and bought four bottles, and there were plenty more on the shelf
Rufus: Sorry, someone came in a little while ago and purchased our entire stock
Cloud: Purchased your entire stock? Who was it?
Rufus: Umm, I don't remember
Cloud: What do you mean you don't remember?
Rufus: What part of 'I don't remember' don't you understand?
Cloud: (angrily) How could you not remember? You said they came in just a little while ago.
Rufus: I was busy
Cloud: Busy? There's no one else here but us!
Rufus: Umm, my short term memory isn't as good as it used to be since Diamond Weapon almost blew my head off
Cloud: (pulls out his sword) Rufus!
Rufus: Take it easy, shiskabob boy. I've, uhh, got something else that might help
Cloud: Oh, what might that be?
Rufus: Just a sec
(Rummages around under the counter)
Rufus: Uh, you don't have any tape on you, do you?
(Sephiroth hands Rufus some white tape)
Cloud: (Impatiently) What's going on?
Rufus: (places a bottle on the counter) Here you go
Cloud: (picks it up) What's this?
Rufus; A new kind of mousse. My own creation.
Cloud: (reads label) Rufus' Mousse. (Eyes it suspiciously) It doesn't look like mousse
Rufus: Well, it's a little different. You have to drink it
Cloud: Drink it?
Cloud: I never heard of such a thing
Rufus: I told you, it's my own creation
Cloud: I don't believe it
Rufus: Hey, trust me. Look what it says right there. (points to writing on bottle)
Cloud: Guaranteed or your money back
Cloud: Well, I guess it must be okay if it says that
Tifa: Cloud! Rufus just wrote that on there!
Rufus: I did not!
Tifa: You did too. Look, you used the tape that Sephiroth gave you to make a new label
Rufus: I did no such thing!
Tifa: It's the same white tape!
Tifa: (grabs bottle from Cloud) What's this say below that? Hmm, possible side effects: Nausea, vomiting, instant death.
Cloud: Instant death?
Rufus: Well, that's rare
Tifa: Is that so? Well, then, why is there a skull and crossbones on it?
Rufus: (dismissively) That's just the company logo.
Tifa: (Rips tape off bottle) Rufus! This is strychnine
Rufus: (shocked) No! I don't know what to say. Someone must have mixed up the bottles
Tifa: (skeptically) I'll bet.
Aeris: Strychnine! Oooh, can I have it?
(Tifa hands the bottle to Aeris)
Aeris: (sweetly) Oh Sephy! I have a gift for you!
Sephy: (backing away) Keep her away from me!
Cloud: (grumbling) Let's get out of here.
BACK AT TIFA'S BAR
Barret: Well, what do we do now? Everyone's back and no one found any mousse
Red: Not everyone's back. Yuffie hasn't returned yet
Barret: Do you seriously think she's going to find any?
Red: Well, not really
(Suddenly Yuffie runs in)
Yuffie: (raises her arms in the air) The great one has done it again!
Barret: Who you talkin' about fool?
Yuffie: (indignant) Why, me, of course!
Cloud: You found me some mousse?
Yuffie: Indeed I did. (goes to the door and pulls a large animal into the room) (proudly) See?
Barret: Yuffie, that's a moose!
Yuffie: No duh. Isn't that what you wanted?
Cid: Mousse. That stuff that goes in your hair.
Yuffie: Stuff that...(she pauses for a moment) Oooooooh! Mousse
Barret: What a dork!
Yuffie: I am not a dork!
Cid: Didn't you hear us talking about hair?
Yuffie: Hey, leave me alone. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy stealing your mater...umm, reading a book.
Bullwinkle: Can I go now?
Yuffie:(unhappily) I guess
Red: So we still don't have any mousse
Tifa: Cloud, you're just going to have to do without it
Cloud: No way!
Cid: Dammit Cloud, those monsters could be here any minute!
Frank: No they won't
Barret: Huh? What do you mean?
Frank: Turns out the monsters aren't coming
Yuffie: Why not?
Frank: They heard traffic was really bad on the interstate, so they changed their minds.
Yuffie: Well, Sephy, looks like your plan to steal all Cloud's mousse isn't going to work.
Sephy: Oh well, better luck next time
Cloud: Sephiroth stole my mousse?
Cloud: (looking at Yuffie) And you knew?
Yuffie: Well duh Cloud, everyone knew. I mean, who else could it have been?
(Cloud stands there looking at everyone)
Cloud: You ALL knew?
(After a moment, they all nod)
Aeris: It's not like it took a genius to figure it out
Cloud: (looks at Tifa) You too?
Tifa: Umm...err...well, yeah.
Cloud: And you didn't tell me?
Tifa: Well, let's face it, that hairdo is kind of...unusual.
Cloud: (shocked) You don't like my hair?
Tifa: Well...not really.
Tifa: C'mon Cloud, give me a break. Last night I turned over in bed and nearly got impaled!
Cloud: (angrily) It's not funny! I should have known you were behind this Sephiroth!
(Cloud pulls out his sword and runs toward Sephy.)
(Sephy goes to pull out his masamune but it's not there)
Sephy: Hey, we're my sword go?
Frank: (whistling innocently) Beats me.
Sephy: That's not fair!
Frank: You're right, it's not. What's your point?
Sephy: And they say I'M evil.
(Cloud raises his sword above Sephy's head, but suddenly Aeris jumps in between them)
Aeris: Cloud, don't!
Cloud: Aeris, get out of the way
Aeris: No Cloud, you can't just kill him like that.
Cloud: Why not?
Aeris: It wouldn't be right.
Sephy: (hiding behind Aeris) Listen to her Cloud!
(Aeris grabs sword from Cloud's hands)
Aeris: It wouldn't be right to hog all the fun for yourself! (turns toward Sephy and grins evilly)
Sephy: Ack! (runs)
(Aeris chases Sephy around the room)
Frank: (opens door to bar) Quick, Seph, this way!
(Sephiroth runs to the door, but just as he reaches it Frank sticks out his foot and trips him)
(whack whack whack whack whack!)
Barret: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Tifa: Well, I guess everything ended happily ever after.
Sephy: (groaning) Speak for yourself.
(chop mince grind shred grate!)
Cloud: (mutters) I can't believe you don't like my hair
Tifa: Okay, maybe not that happily.
Aeris: (cheerfully) Does anyone know how to get bloodstains out of a dress?