by Frank Verderosa

The Players:

Jen - The birthday girl (Nov 8). Her website is called Jen's Final Fantasy VII Page and if you haven't been there yet, well, what are you waiting for?

Amos - Webmaster over at the HQ. For reasons I've never actually been able to figure out, he's got some very strong feelings about Zack

Athena - She owns the Edge of Sanity website. Sorry you've got such a small part, Athena. I'll try to get you more lines next time

Frank - Why, that's me, of course!


(Frank walks into the bar)

Frank: Hi gang. I'm afraid we've got a major crisis on our hands!

Tifa: Oh no! Has Jenova returned to turn us all into slaves?

Barret: Is #@$#@ Shina trying to rebuild dose Mako reactors?

Cloud: Or has Sephiroth come back from the dead?

Sephy: Hey, I'm not quite dead yet!

Frank: Nope. I'm afraid it's worse than that. It's Jen's birthday today and I haven't gotten her anything!

Yuffie: Is that all?

Frank: Whaddyamean is that all? This is important!

Yuffie: So go find something youreself. What's it got to do with us?

Frank: Well, you know how much she loves FFVII. I figured we could give her something together

Tifa: (Gives Frank a warm smile) I think we should help him out

Sephy: (Frowning at Tifa) You would say that. After all, you are his FAVORITE character.

Tifa: That's got nothing to do with it

Cloud: Sure, we'll help out

Yuffie: What's in it for me?

Frank: (Thinks for a minute) You know how you stole all Reno's gil at the end of Jenova's Disciples?

Yuffie: (Slowly) Yeah?

Frank: Well, how would you like it if I had Reno return the favor by stealing all your materia in the Mind Slayers?

Yuffie: (Horrified) You wouldn't!

Frank: Just watch me!

Yuffie: (Mutters something under her breath) All right, I'll help.

Sephy: (Folds his arms across his chest) Well, I'm not going to. I haven't gotten any good parts at all! In fact, I'm still dead! You even brought back Aeris, and you don't even like her that much!

Aeris: Hey!

Frank: I do so like Aeris.

Sephy: And Zack. You brought him back and NOBODY likes him!

Amos: Yeah!

Frank: Amos, get back to your own website!

Sephy: At least I've got personality.

Aeris: (Fists hands on hips - one of Jen's favorite expressions, BTW) He also didn't go around killing dozens of people.

Sephy: You're just mad because you happened to be one of them

Frank: You know, it doesn't really fit your bad boy image to whine

Sehpy: I'm not whining!

Frank: You are too. (Looks at everyone) Isn't he whining?

All: (Except Sephiroth) He's whining.

Sephy: (Getting angry) I am not!

Cloud: Whine, whine, whine.

Sephy: (Pulls out his masamume) I'll show you whining!

Frank: Belligerent, isn't he? But I don't think he's going to do much damage with Cait in his hands

(Sephiroth looks down and sees that instead of his masamume he is now holding Cait)

Cait: Umm, meow?

(Sephiroth drops Cait, who lands on his feet (naturally) and scampers off to his Mog)

Sephy: How'd you do that?

Frank: Hey, I'm the author. I can do anything I want

Sephy: (Fuming) This isn't fair

Red XIII: Getting back to the matter at hand, what do you suggest we do for Jen's birthday?

Frank: Don't know, but it's got to be something special. After all it's her 21st.

Reeve: How bout a drinking binge with the Turks?

Frank: That's what everybody does. I want it to be SPECIAL!

Tifa: How bout a male stripper?

Cloud: (Looks at Tifa in surprise) Tifa!

Tifa: (Shrugs and looks innocent) It was just a suggestion

Frank: Not bad, but who could we get?

Yuffie: (Grins evilly) Well, Cid is her favorite....

(Everyone looks at Yuffie)

Barret: Ya think?

Vincent: No way!

Aeris: I don't think this is a good idea at all

Frank: Well, we'll just have to ask him

Cloud: So who's gonna ask?

(No one speaks for a long time)

Vincent: Well, I'm not gonna

(Slowly everyone turns to Yuffie)

Yuffie: Huh? Me? No way!

Barret: It was your idea

Yuffie: So?

Tifa: C'mon

Yuffie: Not a chance

Frank: Reno. Materia.

Yuffie: (Fuming) Oh, all right!

(Rocket Town)

Frank: We're here

Tifa: That was fast

Barret: The wonders of modern transportation

Frank: (To Yuffie) So go ask him

(Yuffie gives Frank a dirty look and walks over to Cid, who is working underneath the Tiny Bronco)

Yuffie: (Innocently - yes, I know, hard to picture) Oh Ciiiiid ^_^

(Cid grunts something unintelligable)

Yuffie: We've got a little favor we'd like to ask

Cid: Huh?

Yuffie: It's Jen's birthday today, and we'd like to know if you can help us with her present

Cid: Yuffie. It's hard to hear under here. What are you talking about?

Yuffie: (Not talking any louder) We'd like to know if you could be a male stripper for her birthday party

(Cid jerks and there is a loud clanging sound as head meets metal. Cid pulls himself out from under the plane)

Cid: WHAT?

Yuffie: (Cringing) I thought you couldn't hear

Cid: You want me to what?

Yuffie: Umm. Nothing

Tifa: (Boldly intervening) We want you to be a stripper for Jen's birthday party. After all, we all know you're her favorite character

Cid: Well #@$@$, sure I think Jen is great, but I don't think even she wants to see the old Cid man in a g string (He shudders) Believe me, it wouldn't be a pretty sight

Shera: You can say that again

Cid: Nobody asked you!

Cloud: So what are we gonna do?

Sephy: (Looking at Frank) Hey, you're the author. Just make him do it

Frank: I'm not gonna make him do something he doesn't want to

Sephy: Do I detect a double standard here?

Frank: You're right. For some reason I don't treat heros and mass murderers the same. So sue me

Sephy: I give up. I'm going over to the Temple of Aeris and Sephrioth. At least there they know how to treat me with respect

Aeris: Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out

Sephy: Owww!

Barret: Hey, where'd that door come from?

Frank: I'm the author. I can do whatever I want, remember?

Red XIII: That still doesn't solve our problem

Barret: (Looks at Frank) Well, you're the genius author

Frank: Hey, I can't think of everything!

Cloud: Well, maybe we can get someone else

Tifa: But who?

Barret: The only other one who I can think of that would be willing to do it would be Reno

Aeris: Yeah, he'd do it, if you paid him enough

Frank: Not bad. I know she likes the Turks, but I really wish it could be Cid

Cloud: I got it! We'll disguse him as Cid

Tifa: What?

Vincent: Hmmm. Cut his hair short. Dye it blonde

Aeris: Like she wouldn't notice

Yuffie: She might not...if we got her drunk enough first

Vincent: You think Reno would go for it?

Tifa: Reno would do anything for the right price. You know that

Frank: Let's go ask him

(Bar in Junon. The Turks are sitting at the counter)

Barret: Hey, how'd you know they were here?

(Frank gives him a knowing look)

Barret: Oh yeah, the author thing. I forgot

Frank: (Looks at Yuffie) Go ahead

Yuffie: What. Me again? Why this time? It was Barret's idea to ask Reno

Frank: You two have such a close relationship

Yuffie: Aren't I lucky

(Yuffie walks over to the Turks)

Yuffie: Reno

Reno: Hey pest

Yuffie: How would you like to diguise yourself as Cid and be a stripper for Jen's birthday party?

Reno: What?

Yuffie: You heard me

Reno: How much will you pay me?

(Yuffie looks at Frank)

Frank: Whatever you want

Reno: It's a deal

Elena: Reno, you'd really act like a complete idiot just for some gil?

Reno: What other reason is there?

Elena: Rude, tell him he's being a jerk

Rude: ..........

Elena: Forget it. I'll tell him myelf. Reno, you're a jerk

Reno: Like I didn't already know your opinion. What do I have to do?

Frank: Just go with Cid and Cloud. They'll fill you in. Tifa, you and Elena go get Jen and take her over to the bar. We'll bring Reno by later when you think she's had enough

Tifa: Gotcha

Aeris: I really really think this is a bad idea


Tifa: Another round of drinks

Jen: (A little too enthusiastically) Yeah, more drinks!

Marlene: Coming right up

Elena: I still can't get over a four year old tending bar

Tifa: Marlene is very mature for her age

Elena: So I see

(A country music singer starts singing in the background)

Jen: This is great. You two are the best

Elena: Uhh, thanks

(Marlene brings over the drinks. They all pick them up)

Tifa & Elena: (Hold up their drinks) To your twenty first birthday!

Jen: (Holds hers up as well) To my twenty fifth, uh fist,..first birthday!

(Tifa and Elena throw their drinks over their shoulder while Jen downs hers)

Man at the table behind them: Hey, watch what you're doing!

Jen: What was that?

Tifa: (Quickly) Nothing

(The country music singer starts to moan sorrowfully)

Jen: I just love country music

Elena: Whatever

Tifa: Another round!

Marlene: Coming right up

(Marlene brings them another round of drinks and they repeat the aformentioned process)

Jen: I'm having the best time!

(The country music singer wails pitifully)

Jen: (Tears in her eyes) Oh, that's so sad.

Elena: Uh huh

Jen: I've never had more fun

(She suddenly grabs hold of Tifa and Elena and crushes their faces against her chest)


Elena: Mmmmghef gdfgd hseree

(They manage to disentangle themselves from Jen's arms)

Tifa: (Leaning over to Elena) What?

Elena: (Gasping for breath) I think she's ready

(Meanwhile, outside the bar)

Cloud: Where the hell is he? He was supposed to be here an hour ago

Cid: It would be just like him not to show up

(Just then Reno comes around the corner and walks up to them, stumbling slightly)

Reno: (Cheerfully) I'm here!

Cloud: Have you been drinking?

Cid: Does the sun rise in the east?

Reno: Hey, I had to get in the proper frame of mind

Cloud: Well, let's get started

Aeris: We're not going to have time to dye his hair

Cloud: Great. Reno, you've really screwed this one up

Cid: Here, we can use this

Cloud: Spray paint?

Vincent: Whatever works

(Aeris takes out a scissor and cuts Reno's hair short)

Aeris: I still think this is a bad idea

(Just then Tifa comes out of the bar)

Tifa: We're ready for you to bring him in

Cid: (Spraying Reno's hair with gold spray paint) Okay, just a minute

Cloud: Cid and I will bring Reno around the back. The rest of you go inside

Vincent: Right

(The others go into the bar. Cid and Cloud escort Reno around to the back entrance, but just as they reach it Sephy appears)

Cloud: Hey, I thought you went over to the Temple of Aeris and Sephiroth

Sephy: I lied

Cid: What do you want?

Sephy: I'm taking over

Cloud: What?

Sephy: I'm taking over this website

Cloud: You can't do that. Frank won't let you

Sephy: Frank went to the store. I'm writing this

Cloud: I don't believe you

Sephy: Cloud, act like a chicken

Cloud: Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk

Cid: I guess he's telling the truth

Reno: (Squinting) So what do you want?

Sephy: (Shows him two little pills) I need you to slip these in Frank's drink when he shows up later

Reno: What will they do?

Sephy: Just put him to sleep and let me take over

Reno: How much will you pay me?

Sephy: Whatever you want

Reno: It's a deal

Cloud: Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk

Sephy: You can stop acting like a chicken now

Cloud: (Pissed off) We won't let you get away with this!

Sephy: You can't stop me

Cid: What's to prevent us from just telling Frank when he shows up?

Sephy: Because you won't remember any of this

Cid: Any of what?

Sephy: (Turning to Cloud) You neither

Cloud: Who are you again?

Sephy: (Handing the pills to Reno) Just put them in his drink. Got it?

Reno: Uh huh

(Sephy runs off)

(Back in the bar)

Elena; Another round!

(Tifa walks back in and winks at Elena)

Jen: Anudder roun!

(The country singer starts another song)

Jen: (Looking up gleefully) Hey, I know this one!

Elena: What luck

(Jen starts to sing at the top of her lungs. And I have it on good authority that Jen is a very bad singer)

Elena: (Cringes and leans over to Tifa) How can we shut her up?

Tifa: (With a a sigh) Just leave her be. It is her birthday, after all

Elena: (Pointing across the room) Hey, what's that?

(When the others turn to look, Elena pulls out her gun and shoots the country singer dead)

Jen: (Continues singing as if nothing happened) And then he left me for that floozy from the doughnut shop!

(NOTE: I don't know any country songs, but that should cover about ninety percent of them)

Barret: We're here

Elena: Bout time

Yuffie: Gawd! What is that awful noise?

Tifa: It's Jen singing

Yuffie: I think I'm gonna be nauseous

Vincent: I think you gave her too much to drink

Frank: Hi gang

Tifa: Hi Frank

Frank: Is everything ready?

Cloud: Sort of

Frank: What do you mean, sort of?

Cloud: Reno kind of gave us a hard time, but he's almost ready now

Frank: Geez, I can't leave you guys for a minute

Jen: (Finally realizing that the music had stopped) Hey, wha happened to the moosic?

Elena: (Hoping she won't start singing again) Don't worry, we've got a better surprise for you

(Suddenly a huge beam falls down from the ceiling, crushing Zack)

Frank: (Fists hands on hips (there, I said it again!)) Amos!

Amos: (Sitting up in the rafters trying to hide a saw behind his back) I had nothing to do with it!

Aeris: Zack! Are you all right?

Frank: Of course he is

(Zack gets up and dusts himself off, apparently no worse for the wear)

Jen: That was fun!

Yuffie: That wasn't the surprise

Jen: S'not?

(Yuffie runs over to the mirror to make sure nothings coming out of her nose)

Frank: (Waving for Reno to come out) No, we've got something very special planned

(Reno stuts out onto the dance floor, wearing Cid's overalls and goggles and carrying his spear. A perfect disguise, as long as you're standing more than 100 yards away in the fog)

Jen: (Squinting) Whazzat?

Frank: It's Cid!

Jen: Cid who?

Frank: I think you gave her too much to drink

(Reno passes Yuffie, still looking in the mirror. Suddenly she jumps up in the air, turns around, and slaps Reno across the face)

Yuffie: (Indignently) Hey, watch where you poke that spear!

Reno: That wasn't my spear

Yuffie: Oh yuck, now I'm really gonna puke!

(Yuffie tries to run into the bathroom but the door is locked)

Guy from the bathroom in Rocket Town: Busy!

Yuffie: Damn, I hate that guy!

(Somebody turns on the jukebox and Reno starts dancing)

Elena: Oh what a moron. Rude, tell him he's a moron

Rude: .........

Elena: Forget it, I'll tell him myself. (Shouting) You're a moron!

(Reno starts gyrating wildly)

Yuffie: Take it off!

(Reno obligingly strips off his overalls to reveal a g string covered with little chococbos)

Elena: Oh, how tiny

Aeris: Yeah, they are cute, aren't they

Elena; I wasn't talking about the chocobos

Cid: (Peeking in from the kitchen) Gee, that's not even me out there and I'm gonna be embarrassed tomorrow

(Reno tries to kick the overalls away, but his feet get tangled in them and he falls flat on his back, the pills flying out of his hand, high into the air in a lazy arc and coming to land....)

(Dramatic pause)

(...right in Frank's drink. What a coincidence!)

Elena: (Lifting Jen's head, which had sunk down to the bar in front of her) Look, Jen, Cid's taking off his clothes!

Jen: Can I get a pony for Christmas, Mommy?

Tifa; I think we gave her too much to drink

(Frank takes one sip from his drink then falls over backwards onto the floor)

Red XII: Gee, they're making them strong these days

Tifa: (Voice filled with concern) Frank, are you all right?

(She rushes over to him)

Sephy: (Dashing into the room with is masamune in his hands) It worked! Now I can kill Frank and Jen and take over BOTH their websites!

(Barret levels his gun arm at Sephy and fires at point blank range)

Sephy: You missed

Barret: (Shocked) But how?

Sephy: I'm the author now, I can do whatever I want!

(Cloud leaps at Sephy and slashes at him with the Ultima weapon, but it just passes right through him without hurting him)

Sephy: Nyah, nyah

Tifa: (Trying to pull Frank to his feet) Somebody has to stop him! Frank, wake up!

Frank: (Mumbling) Where's my blanky?

Elena: Jen's an author, she can stop him! C'mon Jen!

Jen: (Mumbling) I need to go potty

Sephy: (Laughs manically) There's nothing you can do!

(Sephy steps toward Jen and raises his sword)


Voice from the shadows: I wouldn't be to sure about that, pilgrim

(A man steps out of the shadows)

All: John Wayne!

Cloud: What are you doing here?

Mr. Wayne: Frank invited me. He knows Jen's one of my biggest fans

(Sephy turns red with rage)

Sephy: (Runs at Mr. Wayne with sword raised) I won't let you interfere!

Mr. Wayne: I don't think you're gonna hurt me with that, mister

(Sephy looks up and sees that he once more has Cait in his hands)

Cait: This is getting monotonous

(Sephy drops Cait and stands there shaking with rage. Mr. Wayne walks up to him)

Mr. Wayne: You've been causing a lot of trouble around here. Somebody needs to give you a good whuppin. But I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna hit ya


Mr. Wayne: Like hell I'm not

(Mr. Wayne punches Sephy and sends him flying right into the Edge of Sanity website)

Athena: Hey, get him out of here!

Cloud: Thanks, Mr. Wayne, but what are we going to do about Frank and Jen?

Mr. Wayne: They're fine

Jen: (Perfectly sober) John Wayne!

Frank: (Still in Tifa's arms) What happened?

Mr. Wayne: I'm surprised at you all, bringing this little lady to a place like this.

(Mr. Wayne escorts Jen outside, the others follow)

(Suddenly a huge Shinra truck barrels down the street and smashes right into Zack)

All: AMOS!

(The truck lurches to a halt, then backs up, rolling over Zack's battered body a second time. Amos steps out of the truck)

Amos: Sorry, my foot slipped

Aeris: Twice?

Frank: This is getting ridiculous

(Suddenly a pack of rabid dingos appears and charge at Amos)

Amos: (Running back to his own website) That's the last time I give you a good review!

Mr. Wayne: C'mon Jen. I'll take you to someplace a little more...respectable

(They start to walk away)

Frank: Oh Jen, one more thing

(Jen turns to look back at them)


Jen: Thanks!

Vincent: Time to go home

Red XIII: Gee, that was...almost interesting


Aeris: I TOLD them it was a bad idea!