by Frank Verderosa


OK, Jen sent me (and some of our other friends) a challenge a while back. The challenge was to write a short story using the following lines:

1. "Can I stab you with a spoon?"
2. "I seem to have grown another appendage."
3. "A gopher ate my pants!"
4. "I suck." "I suck more." "I suck more than you all." "I'm the suck master!"
5. "Elvis has left the building!"
6. "____ has discovered the true meaning of slovenliness."
7. "I can shoot a pea three feet out of my left nostril, and catch it in my mouth."
8. "Get out of my head, you 14 toad sloth with triangular eyes."
9. "There is no end and no beginning. There is only custard pastries."
10. "Yellow daises in a vase."
11. "______ had the harriest butt I ever saw!"
12. "Coffee and donuts are useful for hotwiring a car."
13. "My Great Aunt Banana owned a peach farm."
14. "All right. Who fluffed?"
15. "I like marmalade."
16. "In a tight leather dress with strappy heels and a push up bra."
17. "What kind of crack are you sniffing?"
18. "Alfalfa and green leaf tea, followed by prunes."
19. "Two horizontal sheets."
20. "I know someone who can cry milk and pee water."

So here is my humble stab at this. And remember, if it's not that good, it's all Jen's fault! ^_~


Frank: Hello folks and welcome to this years edition of Final Fantasy VII Survivor. The contestants have been split up into two tribes, Avalanche and Shinra and have been placed on a tropical island since yesterday. Lets look in on them and see how they're doing, shall we?
(Dawn on a tropcial island. Yuffie steps out of her tent and looks around. The others are gathered around a small fire eating breakfast.)
Yuffie: All right, who fluffed?
The others: Huh?
Yuffie: Who fluffed up my pillow? It was all squashed down nice how I like it and when I went to bed last night someone had fluffed it all up.
Aeris: That was me
Cloud: Aeris, you don't have to be a housekeeper. We're on a tropical island for chrissake!
Aeris: Sorry
Cid: Hey, how come you have a pillow anyway? All I had were two horizontal sheets made of leaves!
Red: Horizontal sheets?
Cid: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
Red: Do you really think the word horizontal was necessary there? Of course they were horizontal. What else would they be? They couldn't very well have been vertical now could they? Unless you sleep standing up.
Cid: (looking down at the only utensil available, a crudely hewn spoon made from a stick) Can I stab you with a spoon?
Red: If you wish
Vincent: Yeah Yuffie, you're not supposed to have a pillow!
Yuffe: Umm , err, I..uh...stole it from Frank
Frank glares at Yuffie, then goes into the tent and takes the pillow
Yuffie: So what's for breakfast?
Reeve: Crossaints and marmalade with a rasher of bacon and orange juice
Aeris: Ohh, I like marmalade!
Reeve: I was being sarcastic! We have seaweed in warm water
Yuffie: Oh joy. Suddenly I'm not hungry. I'm going to get cleaned up.
Cid: Have fun
(Yuffie heads off toward their makshift shower, a stick hut with a bamboo tube running from the ocean)
Aeris: Shouldn't we tell her that Barret's already using it?
Cid: (with an evil grin) What fun would that be?
(A few moments later)
Yuffie: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
(Yuffie comes running out of the jungle, her face white as two horizontal sheets (There, I got it in twice!))
Yuffie: OMG! Why didn't you guys tell me Barret was taking a shower? He has the harriest butt I ever saw!
Red: That's hairiest
Yuffie (stops): What?
Red: It's hairiest, not harriest.
Frank: She knows, but that's how the line is written in the email, so we had to use it
Jen: (smacks Frank) Are you making fun of my spelling?
Frank: Umm, err, I think I'll go see how Shinra's doing! (Runs off)
Cid: Elvis has left the building!
(Meanwhile, at the Shinra camp...)
Elena: (poking her head into Reno's tent) Rise and shine!
Reno: (grumpily) Leave me alone, I have a headache
Elena: (sarcastically) Well, who's fault is that? No one forced you to go on a binge before you got here last night, now did they?
Reno: Hey, I HAD to. Who knows when I was going to get another drink in this God forsaken place?
Elena: Oh quit your whining and get up. It's almost time for the first challenge
Rufus: (helpfully) I had an Aunt who had a surefire cure for a hangover. Alfalfa and green leaf tea, followed by prunes
Reno: (mumbling) That cure sounds worse than the disease
(Reno slowly gets up and walks out of his tent, his eyes red, his hair disheveled, and his suit more wrinkled than ever)
Elena: (looking him up and down) Reno has discovered the true meaning of slovenliness
Reno: Oh shutup
Heidigger: I think a gopher ate my pants
Others: What?
Heidigger: (shows holes in pant leg) Something was in my tent last night. I think it was a gopher
Scarelet: What kind of crack are you sniffing?
Rufus: This is a tropical island you idiot. There aren't any gophers here. And even if there were, they don't eat pants
Heidigger: (muttering) Well, maybe a wombat then...
Reno: (looking around) So where's the coffee and donuts?
Elena: (sarcastically) Back at Shirna headquarters. You're better off without them, they're bad for you anyway
Reno: Hey, coffee and donuts are the best. They not only taste good but are handy too. Hell, coffee and donuts are even useful for hotwiring a car
Elena: Yeah right. How do you figure?
Reno: The coffee keeps you awake and the donuts can be used to bribe any policemen who might happen by
Elena: You know Reno, you are one sad excuse for a human being
Reno: Why thank you
(Frank walks into camp)
Frank: All ready for the first challenge?
Rufus: (doubtfully) Ready as we'll ever be, I suppose
Frank (looking at Hojo) Hey, what's that on your back?
Hojo: (feeling his back) Hmm, I seem to have grown another appendage
Scarelet: Hojo, have you been playing with Jenova cells again?
Hojo: Well, you know me.
Frank: Okay, let's get going
(Avalanche and Shinra meet in a small clearing, in the center of which stands a table with two huge bowls filled with pinkish yellow liquid)
Frank: The challenge for today will be to suck all the peach juice out of these bowls with a straw! Whoever sucks out the most juice in one minute will be our winner and will gain immunity. The other team will have to vote someone off the island.
Cid: So we and Shinra are going to have a giant suck off?
Frank: Well, I wouldn't have worded it quite like that but...yes
Cloud: So for this job we need someone who can really...suck
Red:(helpfully) I can suck
Barret: I suck more!
Cid: I suck more than you all!
Yuffie: I am the suck master! Besides, I'm good with peach juice. My Aunt Banana owed a peach farm.
Aeris: You have an Aunt Banana?
Yuffie: Well, I did. She got run over by a fruit truck. Her husband is still alive. Really strange guy though. Used to walk around all the time in a tight leather dress with strappy heels and a push up bra
Cid: (muttering) Kinda like someone we know?
Tifa: (kicks Cid)
Reeve: Speaking of strange people. I have a cousin who likes to hang upside down from a tree while polishing his shoes
Barret: Big deal. I had a friend who can drink apple juice and spit it out his ears
Cid: So? I know someone who can cry milk and pee water
Red: I'm happy for you all, but to inject a bit of sanity in here for a moment, if I may, who are we going to pick?
(They all turn to look at Cloud. He looks at them all for a moment)
Cloud: (dramatically) Aeris, I choose YOU.
Tifa: Oh good grief. This is Survivor, not Pokemon
Elena: Who are WE going to pick?
Rufus: (looks around) Who do we have who can suck?
(They all turn to look at Scarlet)
Scarlet: Oh, you guys are so bad!
Palmer: I can't suck, but I can shoot a pea three feet out of my left nostril and catch it in my mouth
Rufus: Oh go eat some lard
Sephiroth: I'll do it
Reno: You'll eat some lard?
(Sephiroth glares at Reno)
Reno: Never mind
Rufus: (looks at Sephy for a moment, then at his extremely sharp sword) Be my guest
(Sephiroth and Aeris face off in front of the peach juice. Frank signals them to begin. After a minute of sucking Sephiroth's bowl is nearly empty while Aeris is still practically full)
Frank: Shinra wins! Avalanche will have to vote someone off the island
Barret: I can't believe it! Cloud, why the hell did you pick Aeris? She was the worst sucker of all of us!
Yuffie: Yeah, she sucks at sucking!
Tifa: Sucks at sucking?
Cloud: I don't know, I... (suddenly grabs his head and groans) Ahh, get out of my head you 14 toed sloth with triangular eyes! (collapses)
Barret: What the hey?
Sephiroth: Muahahaha! He is my puppet!
Barret: Hey, that's not fair!
Yuffie: Yeah. Hey Frank, they cheated!
Frank: Sorry, nothing I can do
(Dejected, our heros head back to their camp to vote someone off the island)
Yuffie: I can't believe we lost. And I'm hungry on top of that. Will my suffering never end?
Vincent: There is no end and no begining. There is only custard pastries.
Yuffie: Huh?
Vincent: Oh shut up Yuffie. Now you've even got me thinking about food!
Cid: Yeah, stop that talk. Damn, I want a cigarette, and some tea!
Aeris: And I miss my flowers. The poinsettas are in blume and I had some nice yellow daisies in a vase
Tifa: Geez, Aeris. We're starving here and you're thinking of flowers?
Aeris: Uh huh
Tifa: Sheesh
Barret: Are daisies edible?
Aeris: Barret!
Red: Well, one of us will be able to eat well tonight
Yuffie: Yeah, but of course whoever it is is going to miss out on a million gil
Frank: All right, each of you step forward and put in your votes as to who is going to leave the island forever
(One by one they all go into the hut and vote)
Frank: All right, lets see what we got (starts pulling out votes one by one) Okay, that's one for Cloud. That's...another one for Cloud. And a third for Cloud. And...another. And one more. And Cloud again and again and... one more and finally one for... Cloud
(They all look at Cloud)
Frank: Looks like it's unanimous
Yuffie: Geez, that means he even voted against himself
Cid: (muttering) Looks like he's got some sense after all!