by Frank Verderosa
Narrator: All is calm in Kalm
Cloud: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Isn't that how you started the Great Mousse Hunt?
Frank: Well, yeah, I guess
Cloud: So why are you using it now?
Frank: Umm, I like the way it sounds?
Cloud: That's pretty lame
Frank: Hey, what do you want from me? It's hard to come up with good starting lines!
Cid: Oh just let him get on with it
Yuffie: Yeah, I'm interested in finding out what kind of torture he has in mind for us this time
Frank: Hey, I don't torture you. (Glances at Sephiroth) Well, most of you anyway
Sephiroth: Great. Why don't you just kill me now and get it over with?
Frank: I'm not going to kill you
Sephiroth: You're not?
Frank: No, I'm going to let Aeris do it
Aeris: (Excited) Oh, can I? Can I?
Frank: Well, why don't we save it to the end. It'll be more fun that way
Aeris: (sounding disappointed) Oh all right
Sephiroth: (angrily) I don't have to put up with this! I'm going over to Robert's site. Maybe he'll treat me a little better.
Cloud: Robert's site? Who the hell is Robert?
Sephiroth: You know, Robert Meriko
Meriko: It's Meriko Robert you idiot (kicks Sephiroth) I'm a girl. A GIRL!
Sephiroth: (wincing) On second thought maybe I'll stay here. It might be less painful
Aeris: Don't count on it
Vincent: So what do you want us to do?
Frank: I want you to go to the store and pick me up some Twinkies.
Yuffie? Twinkies? What do you want Twinkies for?
Frank: Umm, to eat? Duh!
Cloud: You want us to go get twinkies for you? That's the big job you have for us? You're sending us out to get some cupcakes?
Frank: They're Twinkies, not cupcakes. There's a big difference. Hey, I never said it was a big job. I've been doing a lot of writing. I have to keep up my energy.
Yuffie: Hey, we're not your little errand runners. Get them yourself!
Frank: I don't have time. I have to keep writing. You want me to keep my fans happy, don't you?
Yuffie: Like I care!
Frank: Well, you don't want your materia to mysteriously vanish, do you?
Yuffie: So, how many boxes do you want?
Tifa: Yeah, if Frank wants Twinkies then I say we get them for him.
Sephiroth: (muttering) You would say that. Brown noser
Tifa: Oh shut up! (kicks Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: Dang it, that's twice!
Aeris: (kicks Sephiroth) Make that three times!
Sephiroth: Grrrr! I'll get you all for this!
Frank: Not likely
Sephiroth: We'll see about that. Oh, and by the way Frank, just so you know, bottom is spelled b-o-t-t-O-m, not b-o-t-t-E-m
Frank: *fireworks go off in the background* Congratulations! You're the three hundred and fifty millionth person to tell me that! And for your prize you get to see the bottomless pit
Sephiroth: What bottomless pit?
Frank: That one right over there *points to pit*
Aeris: *looking down* It's not bottomless.
Sephiroth: *suspiciously* What makes you think I want anything to do with a bottomless pit?
Aeris: *tugs on Sephiroth's arm* There is a bottom. See!
Sephiroth: *annoyed* Where? I don't see it
Aeris: Right there! Look.
Sephiroth: *leans over* I don't see...
Aeris: *nudge*
Sephiroth: EEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaa!
Aeris: Oopsie. My mistake. It really is bottomless.
Frank: *shaking his head* I can't believe he FELL for that one
Everyone: *groan*
Cid: So where are we supposed to find these twinkies? (pulls out a cigarette and uses Red's tail to light it)
Red: Hey!
Frank: What do I have to tell you everything? At the store! Where else?
Cloud: All right, I guess we're off to the store then.
Yuffie: (sarcastically) I wonder what harrowing adventures await us there?
(They magically appear at the nearest convenience store)
Sephiroth: At least it was quick
Cloud: Sephiroth? What are you doing here? I thought you were dead!
Sephiroth: Why would I be dead?
Cloud: You fell into a bottomless pit, remember?
Sephiroth: *sighs* Do I have to teach you everything? If you fall off a cliff, what is it that kills you?
Cloud: Hmm. Hitting bottom?
Sephiroth: Precisely. So if you fall into a BOTTOMLESS pit, what kills you?
Cloud: Umm....
Sephiroth: All right then
Cloud: C'mon, let's just pick up those Twinkies and get this over with.
(He walks over to the counter)
Cloud: Hey, do you have... oh good grief.
Vincent: What is it?
Cloud: Look who it is
Barret: Scarlet?
Scarelet: (in a sexy voice) Hey good looking
Cid: Why is it that whenever we go anywhere we always manage to run into old Shinra employees?
Yuffie: Yeah, and dead ones to boot.
Scarlet: Aww, I don't look that bad, do I?
Barret: They're like bad pennies. Impossible to get rid of
Yuffie: What is it that makes a penny bad anyway? What, did it rob a bank or something?
Red: I don't know if that's all that bad. A penny robbing a bank, couldn't that be looked at as just liberating his comrades?
Cid: What ARE you babbling about?
Cloud: Never mind that! Do you have any Twinkies?
Scarlet: Twinkies. Umm! You know, I've been looking for something with a creamy filling myself. Know where I can find anything like that?
All: NO!
Scarlet: Oh, you people are no fun
Cloud: Twinkies. We just want Twinkies!
Scarlet. (grabbing hold of him and pulling him closer) I'll show you my twinkies if you want.
Cloud: (gagging) Twinkies. You know, those little snack cakes?
Tifa: (suddenly running up and decking Scarlet) Get your hands off him, skank queen!
Cid: (looking down at Scarlet) Looks like she can't take a punch
Yuffie: Yeah, and she has bad fashion sense too
Tifa: She's only good at slapping
Scarlet: Gee, kick me while I'm down why don't you?
All: Okay! (they all kick Scarlet, except Aeris, who kicks Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: Hey, what did _I_ do?
Cloud: Do you have any Twinkies or not?
Scarlet: (points) He just bought the last box
(They all turn to see Palmer slinking towards the door with a box of twinkies clutched in his hands)
Cloud: Palmer! Stop right there!
Palmer: Eep! What do you want?
Vincent: We want those Twinkies
Palmer: (clutching them tighter) You can't have them, they're mine!
Red: I didn't know you ate Twinkies
Palmer: Well I do. I've been told they have some lard in them
Cloud: Don't be an idiot! Twinkies don't have lard in them!
Palmer: You're just saying that to make me give them up!
Cloud: I am not!
Yuffie: Just hand them over
Palmer: Never! I paid for them. They're mine!
Cid: Let's go Palmer, give them up! (starts forward)
Aeris: (intervening) We can't just take them from him
Cid: Why not?
Aeris: It's like he said. He paid for them
Cid: Well fine, give him some gil then
Palmer: I don't want gil. I want my Twinkies!
Yuffie: Oh good grief. Just take them from him!
Aeris: What if we gave you some lard for them?
Palmer: (suddenly interested) You have some lard?
Aeris: Well, no, but I'm sure we can get some
Cid: Don't tell me this is going to turn into a lard hunt!
Palmer: Do you want the Twinkies or not?
Cloud: (sighs) Fine! We'll get you some lard.
Cid: Where the hell are we going to get lard?
Scarlet: *pointing* There's a lard outlet down the block.
Tifa; A lard outlet?
Scarlet: It's not far away. You just go over the river..
Cid: And through the woods?
Scarlet: Very funny. Over the river and it's on the left hand side. You can't miss it.
Barret: Why is she being so helpful?
Red: She must have some kind of plot in mind
(They leave the convenience store and head down the road. Soon they come to a bridge over a raging river. A man suddenly runs out in front of them as they are about to cross)
Heideger: Halt!
Cloud: Oh good grief. What is it now?
Heideger: Before the other side you see, you must first answer my questions three
Cloud: Hey, what do you think this is? Monty Python?
Vincent: (pulls out his gun and shoots Heideger dead, then turns to look at the others) Looks like he ran out of questions. Shall we go?
(They cross the bridge and soon come to the lard outlet. As they approach they see someone standing by the door.)
Cloud: Tseng. Why am I not surprised? What are you doing here?
Tseng: I'm selling flashlights.
Cloud: Flashlights?
Tseng: Yup
Cloud: Why flashlights?
Tseng: Why not?
Aeris: Seems like a strange place to be selling flashlights
Tseng: Well, you might need one to get through the maze of death
Cloud: Maze of death?
Tseng: Yup, right inside
Cloud: Inside?
Tseng: Yes indeed
Tifa: Now wait a minute. Why would a lard outlet have a maze of death?
Tseng: How should I know?
Cloud: Well, how much are they?
Tseng: 300,000 gil
Cloud: WHAT?
Tseng: You heard me
Cloud: For a flashlight?
Tseng: Hey, these are finely crafted instruments!
Cloud: I don't care how finely crafted it is, I'm not paying that much for a flashlight
Tseng: Suit yourself
Cloud: Let's go
(They walk into the lard outlet. The door closes and they are immediately plunged into pitch blackness)
Cloud: Umm, anyone have a match?
Sephiroth: Yeah, your face and Cait Sith's butt
Cloud: Oh shuddup!
Aeris: I can't see a thing
Sephiroth: Vincent, you lead the way. Vampires can see in the dark, right?
Vincent: I'm not a vampire!
Yuffie: Yow! *WHAM!*
Cloud: What was that?
Yuffie: Someone pinched my butt!
Sephiroth: *groaning* I thought you were Aeris
Cid: So what do we do now?
Red: Perhaps procuring a source of illumination might prove prudent
Barret: Would you speak english, ya damn dog/cat or whatever the hell you are!
Cloud: I guess he's right. Anyone know where the door is?
Tseng: (opening the door) Right here!
Cloud: *grumbling* All right, we'll pay you
(hands over 300,000 gil)
Tseng: Thank you very much
(Cloud clicks the switch on the flashlight but nothing happens)
Cloud: Hey, this doesn't work!
Tseng: Well of course not. A flashlight doesn't work without batteries
Cloud: I paid 300,000 gil and batteries aren't included?
Tseng: Sorry, no.
Cloud: Grrrr. Well, how much are batteries?
Tseng: 60,000 gil
Cid: *sarcastically* Only 60,000? What a bargain
Tseng: They're on sale
Cloud: Fine! (hands Tseng 60,000 gil)
Tseng: Here you go. (gives Cloud batteries)
(Cloud puts them in the flashlight but it still doesn't work)
Cloud: What now?
Tseng: I believe it needs a bulb
Cloud: (strangling Tseng) You telling me that's not included either!
Tseng: (turning blue) Grrrrrrrrrk! (Cloud lets go) All right, all right. I'll throw that in for free, just cause I know you
(Cloud puts the bulb in the flashlight and this time it works)
Cloud: All right then, let's mosey!
Cid: *sigh* He'll never learn
(The look around and see a number of corridors leading off in different directions)
Tifa: So which way do we go?
Red: More to the point, how do we keep track of where we are?
Red: Anyone have any string?
Vincent: No, but I bet Tseng would sell us some
Cloud: Yeah, for about a million gil. Let's just pick a direction and go
Sephiroth: Maybe we should split up into smaller groups. I'll go with Aeris
Aeris: I'd rather kiss Palmer
Tifa: Ahh! Don't even put that image in my head!
Red: We can't split up. We only have one flashlight. Unless you'd like to go back and buy another
Sephiroth: No thank you
Cloud: Let's just go this way (starts down the corridor)
(They follow Cloud down the corridor, all except Vincent, who stands there looking at the wall)
Cid: (stopping) Hey Vince, what are you waiting for?
Vincent: I was just looking at this sign on the wall
Cid: Which sign?
Vincent: The one right here that says 'This way to certain death'
Cid: How comforting
(They come around a turn and find themselves in a room with two people sitting in comfortable chairs in front of a television playing FFX on a PS2)
Cloud: Reno and Elena?
Reno: Oh great, it's Commander Head in the Clouds and the Pebble Slide
Barret: That's Avalanche!
Cloud: *heavy sigh* What are you two doing here?
Elena: Well, we were looking in the classified section of the paper for jobs since you guys wiped out Shinra and we saw this ad for rubber band stretchers and I know that doesn't sound all that exciting but the pay was good so we went into town for an interview but we got lost and so I finally asked this guy for directions even though Reno didn't want to and when we said we were going to a job interview he asked if we'd be interested in taking care of his pet cat and at first we weren't really interested until he told me it was a calico and I just love calico cats being as how they're so cute and Reno still didn't want to until I kicked him in the shin and so we went to the guy's house but the cat had gotten out the window and was in a nearby tree so I made Reno climb up there...
Cloud: (sorry he asked) All right already!
Elena: ...but the branch broke and Reno fell down on his head and when he woke up he didn't remember who I was so I tried to take him to the hospital but I made a wrong turn and, well, to make a long story short...
Cid: Too late
Elena: ...I had to ask directions again and when I finally did get him to the hospital there was this really cute doctor there who I wanted to get to know better and I finally managed to get his phone number from him and when he was talking to me I mentioned we were looking for jobs he told me about his cousin who had this lard outlet...
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Vincent: Do you know how to get through the maze of death?
Reno: Of course we do
Cloud: How?
Reno: C'mon, you don't think I'm going to just tell you, do you? (stands up) The only way we'll tell you is if you beat us
Barret: You want to fight! Bring it on!
Reno: How Neaderthal of you. Not in a fight
Cloud: At what then?
Reno: Why, at Dance Dance Revolution, of course!
Cloud: Ahh?
Elena: Yeah, but we'll be fair and let you all practice so you can see who's best before we start the challenge. The best couple will go up against us.
Cid: How nice of you
Cloud: I guess we have no choice. We accept your challenge!
(They all take turns practicing. When they're done Shera tabulates the results)
Cid: Shera, what the hell are you doing here?
Shera: Oh shut up, Frank needed someone impartial to be the judge. Okay, let's see, guys first. Barret, you got 0 perfects. In fact, you didn't make one step correctly. Congratulations. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be that bad.
Barret: Gee thanks
Shera: Cait, you didn't do much better. 20 perfects. Cid, you got 54 perfects. I had no idea you were so light on your feet. You'll have to take me dancing one of these days
Cid: I'll get right on it
Shera: Okay, Vincent got 102 perfects, enough for a B, very good. Cloud got 106 perfects and Red got all perfects. Of course, Red, having four legs, just stood with one paw on each pad and bounced up and down. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disqualify you for that.
Red: Rats
Shera: So Cloud gets the nod. As for the ladies, Yuffie got 92 perfects, Tifa 104 and Aeris 115.
Cait: So it's Cloud and Aeris
Sephiroth: Wait a moment. I haven't gone yet
Cloud: Sephiroth! Who says you get to go?
Sephiroth: Why not, I'm here with you
Cloud: Why would you help us?
Sephiroth: Hey, why not? The sooner we get this over with the sooner I get killed and get to go over into someone else's ramble who treats me better!
Cid: Shera?
Shera: I say he gets a chance
Cloud: Oh all right
(Sephiroth gives it a try and gets 116 perfects and an A)
Shera: Sephiroth is the best guy. He teams up with Aeris
Sephiroth: Muahaha!
Aeris: (less than thrilled, to put it mildly) Oh joy
Reno: So, are you ready?
Sephiroth: Hold on a second. Aeris, if we win, will I get a kiss as a reward?
Aeris: I'd rather make love to Heidiger
Tifa: (holding her head) Make her stop!
Sephiroth: C'mooon.
Aeris: Not a chance
Sephiroth: Fine, if I'm not going to get a kiss then I won't compete and you'll lose
Aeris: Oh well
Cid: Hey, Seph is really good. C'mon, Aeris, take one for the team
Aeris: (gives Cid a dirty look)
Red: Unfortunately, I don't think we can win without him
Aeris: (hesitating) Ummm, oh all right! Sephiroth, if we win, you get a kiss.
Sephiroth: Really?
Aeris: Yes, really. Now let's get this over with.
Shera: All right. Let the competition begin!
(Sephiroth and Aeris face off against Reno and Elena and win handily)
Yuffie: Yay! We won!
Cloud: Okay, we won Reno. Now tell us how to get through the maze
Reno: All right. (points) You go straight down that way
Cloud: Straight down that way?
Reno: Uh huh
Cloud What do you mean? There's no turns or anything?
Reno: Am I talking in another language? No, there are no turns. You go down that corridor. It goes straight to the center
Tifa: Wait a second! What kind of maze is that?
Reno: Umm, a really easy one?
(They all start down the corridor)
Sephiroth: Oh Aeris, aren't you forgetting something?
Aeris: Ummm.....
Sephiroth: C'mon, you promised
Aeris: (reluctantly) Oh, all right
Sephiroth: (gleefully) Yeah!
Aeris: (walks slowly over to Sephiroth) Okay, close your eyes
(Sephiroth closes his eyes)
Aeris: Here we go. (she beckons and Scarlet runs in and plants a big wet one on Sephiroth's lips)
Sephiroth: (opening his eyes) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! What is this? (looks at Aeris) You promised me a kiss!
Aeris: Yes, and you got one. (innocently) Oh wait a minute, did you mean from ME?
Sephiroth: Argh! I'm poisoned! Someone get me some soap of something!
Scarelet: Hey!
Aeris: (holding up a tube) Here you go Sephy, there's soap in here.
Sephiroth: (grabs the tube and squirts it all over his face and in his mouth) Ahhh! Gah! This isn't soap!
Aeris: Oops, you're right, it's Preparation H. My mistake.
Sephiroth: Grkkkkkkkk!
Cloud: Can we get on with this?
(They walk down the corridor. As they continue the hallways gets dark and dank. Creepy music begins to play in the background)
Yuffie: (nervously) Why do you think this is called the maze of death?
Cid: Probably because it has some hideous beast in the center
(They enter a room at the end of the corridor. Inside they find Hojo standing in the middle)
Cid: See, I told you.
Cloud: Hojo!
Hojo: Ahh, just in time.
Cloud: In time for what?
Hojo: I've been doing a little experimenting combining jenova cells and lard
Tifa: Jenova cells and lard?
Hojo: Yeah, and you're just in time to observe the results. Jenova Lard!
(Hojo suddenly transforms into the most horrible looking creature they've ever seen. Oh wait, Hojo is already the most horrible looking creature they've ever seen. Oh well)
Cloud: Take this you evil... thing you!
Yuffie: Evil thing you? You can't do better than that?
Cid: Hey, what do you want from a guy who says mosey?
(Cloud runs up and slashes at Hojo with his sword, but it just slides off the lard. The others follow with the same result)
Cloud: Damn he's slippery!
Yuffie: Yeah, and he slimed my arm. Yuk!
Cloud: Okay, we're going to have to work together. Huddle up!
Cid: Huddle up?
Cloud: You know, like in football?
Cid: Fine, but if someone tries to pats me on the butt, they're going to regret it!
Cloud: Okay, Cid, you got out long on the left hand side and do a buttonhook behind Hojo's back. Vincent, you take aim and try to put one right between Hojo's eyes. Tifa and Aeris, you do a crossing pattern over the middle while...
Tifa: Uh, Cloud, don't you think you're taking this football analogy a little too far?
Cloud: Yeah, I guess. Okay, everyone attack at the count of three
Yuffie: All attack at the count of three? That's the plan?
Cloud: Can you think of something better?
Yuffie: Practically anything would be better!
Cloud: All right fine! You make the plan!
Yuffie: Huh? Me?
Cloud: Yes, Miss Genius. Go ahead, tell us what to do.
Hojo: (tapping his foot impatiently) Can we hurry this up a bit? I've got an appointment with my evil laugh instructor at five.
Cloud: Would you hold on just a minute! (looking at Yuffie) Okay, so what's the plan?
Yuffie: Umm...the plan.
Cloud: Yes?
Yuffie: Umm. Uhh. I got it. Just give me a minute.
Cloud: C'mon.
Yuffie: Okay. We'll all attack...
Cloud: Yes?
Yuffie: At the umm, count of..
Cloud: Go on
Yuffie: Five!
Cloud: Brilliant. Okay, we attack at the count of five. Any questions?
Yuffie: *waves her hand*
Cloud: Now what?
Yuffie: If a train leaves the station traveling east at 50 mph and another train leaves a station 35 miles away traveling west at 30 mph, when will...
Cloud: Sorry Yuffie, but we're not going to answer your homework questions for you
Yuffie: Drat.
Cloud: Okay! Ready?
Hojo: Bout time
Cloud: 1,2,3,4...5!
(They all rush forward and attack simultaneously, resulting in the rather easy defeat of Hojo)
Hojo: Rats. Foiled again!
Cloud: Yes, the lard is ours!
Palmer: (running in) No, its mine!
Aeris: Okay, we got your lard for you Palmer. Now hand over the Twinkies.
Palmer: Sure thing.
(Just then a huge truck comes by and runs into Palmer)
Cid: Oh wow, deja vu.
Tifa: What's a truck doing driving around inside a lard outlet?
(Cloud retrieves the Twinkies, which are squashed flat)
Cid: (looking down at them) Oh well
BACK IN KALM
Frank: Did you get my Twinkies?
Cloud: Uh, yeah, sure
Frank: Sooo... where are they?
Cloud: Umm, here you go
Frank: (gingerly takes squashed box from Cloud) Uh, kind of flat, aren't they?
Red: Might I point out that you said you wanted Twinkies, you made no mention of what kind of condition they were to be in.
Frank: Oh well, I guess you're right
Cloud: Okay then. Another arduous task successfully completed.
Frank: Uh, yeah. Well, I guess this story is just about over, and you know what that means
Sephiroth: That you'll finally stop annoying us?
Frank: Nope. (hands Aeris a compound radial arm saw) You can kill him now
Aeris: (gleefully) Yay!